Update: I want to thank everyone for their advice and for pulling me back on track when it felt like I was veering off
Also I'm thankful for the Daily deviation, I'm only not making a new journal since it's too soon
I've hit a tipping point today that has made me reflect on a lot of other things that can't help but make me wonder if everything I have dedicated my life to has been little more than a waste of time. The straw that broke the camel's back today was a project I have spent the past couple of weeks working on. It was something I was very excited to show you all as it would have been something similar to ~
Smattila's latest where for the first time you would have been able to actually "look around" one of my scene sin a 360 degree view in wide format as if you were there. Sounds cool doesn't it?. But just like absolutely everything that I have ever gotten happy or excited about in my disappointing life - it always comes with a nasty hook that makes me regret biting into it in the first place
After waiting two days to render just a tenth of the total image required, I found out the hard way that my computer can't do it as it crashed...So I guess that's it for that awesome idea - two weeks working on the scene and two days spent not being able to do anything else because of rendering - and now I'll just have to toss the file in the recycle bin. Its no good to me or anyone if I can't show it off
Then again - it seems everything I do takes considerably more time than anyone would think. I watch a mix of relatively new and very professional artists alike. All are fantastic at what they do of course otherwise I wouldn't be watching them. But one thing I've never seen is any one of them - ever, mention their piece took more time than my average, even if it's good enough to fetch them a job in Pixar or whatever. It's a kick in the balls where it takes you weeks to get something "good" when someone else comes along and does better in a day
I've finally hit a point where the time it takes to create something, outweighs the potential worth of the final product.
It used to be fun, that's why time wasn't an issue before - after all, you want a roller-coaster ride to last as long as possible so you can enjoy the ride longer. It was like that for me but now, it just feels the fun has been sucked out of digital art since I encounter crashes more than progress, Problems more than solutions and I have now covered every subject and theme I actually
care about. So unless people are fine with me just doing more landscapes, space scenes and generic semi-realism characters, then that's it. There are no "new" subjects or concepts I feel passionate enough about for me to want to draw them
I'm not as concerned with getting and industry job as before, since I now know that I'm not fit for it. I'm not fast enough, not versatile enough and now - not motivated enough. To think I could have been spending all this time living a life. Having friends, a partner, a real job. All I got instead is 160 deviations, averaging around 30 hours to create each (less on the old, more on the new) which collectively have earned me just barely more money than it has cost in software and hardware required to make them, which I found out today - still isn't enough for the type of work I wish to do
New-to-digital artists ask me how I do it, they say they want to be like me. It's flattering but now I must feel like I need to warn all aspiring artists to "don't count on it" - money making off digital art is only just slightly easier to do than it is for traditional art - and most painters and drawers will know that can feel impossible at times. It's a test of patience since unless you have the finest computer and software, you can expect crashes, freezes, file loss - the list goes on. Unless you have what it takes to make your mark on the digital art scene, a mark that goes beyond just impressing your friends on dA, then expect to find yourself regretting all the time and money you spent on it years down the track
That's just about 10% of all the emotional problems in my increasingly crappy life right now. I'd tell the rest but I don't want to crash while trying. I also am not going to bother posting group avatars this time since I'm pissed and I benefit from them so little anyway. No more group invites, I just want to remain a standalone artist like I always have
My Calendar, don't forget it, it's the best I got:
`anmari has been spreading her infectious positivity throughout our community for over 6 years. Throughout this time Ana has been at the core of all things devious, passionately developing an eclectic gallery, helping organise devmeets, participating in chat events and also recently completed dedicating her time as a Community Volunteer. We are absolutely delighted to bestow the Deviousness Award for May 2013 to `anmari, congratulations! Read More
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Gloomy 
it's a battle that never ends, you can always find something at fault with your own work in comparison to others. but, isn't the fact that it is you, your soul, the sum your experiance, that has produced a work of art the point? the fact that you have bled the amount of life you have into a project makes it valuable.
I like to experiment and learn something new each time i embark on a project. sure it extends time to completion, but i see it a touch of self investment. But, then again I've no desire to go professional and am very leery of tyrants wielding deadlines.
I think you have earned the respect you enjoy on dA and like any artist can be unduly critical of yourself.
Yeah, deadlines suck. You'd think people would start searching for artists sooner. Luckily few of mine have such deadlines, but they usually do make the offer at inappropriate times
You're 22. I think you're right you're entire life is over. Better pack it in now before you become 23. Even if all you're accomplished in life is creating a fantastic portfolio on DA that's 100x more than some people in their entire lifetime.
True Story. I worked in the construction field while it crashed when the US economy bottomed out. I got unemployment insurance for 8 months. Then when I got a part time job doing something I love - baking - the owner closed the company just when we were starting to make a profit. Did I get angry? Yup. Was I depressed? You betcha. Did I rant about how everything I wanted was a mistake and how I couldn't have what I really wanted was over? No. I started my OWN company which is alive and flourishing today.
If you want something and you can't get it - then DO IT YOURSELF. Self publish your works and take a chance. Every person in this world has an opportunity to do something with their life and if it's spent just wishing on a star, then when their life is over what do they have to show for it? Nothing. A furry friend of mine said this, "if you're not unique, they'll never remember you." It's true. Now, I'm not some famous baker with a fancy cookbook or some television show celebrity, but I'm one man with a vision and a dream and I'm making it a reality. You, too can make all of this you want a reality if you want - you just have to take risks. And if the doors are all closed, then go out and build yourself your own door and open it. You'll never know where you can go, unless you walk thru the door.
Getting an industry job at the big ones like Pixar, Blizzard-Vivendi etc is hard. But how about smaller companies ? Local companies too need people who mastered 3D and 2D software. I guess you gained a considerable amount of knowledge over the last years. You have a big portfolio now and should just give it a try.
Even if you have to model pictures of solar panels, houses or sweets. Sitting around at home doing nothing is not good. You could use smaller projects for small/middle sized companies to get some money and build up a wider portfolio.
I know it's easy to say all that and that doing it is the harder and most important step. when I was looking for a work group desperatly to write my bachelor thesis in I wrote a lot of emails to diffrent professors. But I didnt dare to send them out. I stacked them as drafts and then just sent them out one morning right after booting my PC without thinking. That worked quite well.
I'm seeking help now to get my work out there, and there is one company I'll send a resume and some work off to today. I'd be lying if I said I haven't been procrastinating out of fear
Didn't mean to yap about myself! But returning to what you said, do what gives you pleasure! If you aren't doing it for the money, then there's really no reason to be trying to kiss anybody's ass. Do it for your own enjoyment, and do the best you can. Spend 60 hours on a piece. Every artist works differently, and if anything, I don't think you should be comparing the amount of time you spend on a piece of art with someone with just as much or even less of the amount of skill, knowledge, and talent that you have. Talent shows in the results. Not in how long or how much paint, size of canvas, etc., the artist used to get there. Art is also in the eye of the beholder. Eg, Picasso is not my thing at all, yet people idolize his work. Why, I have no idea. But that's just me. My neighbor may think differently, and think photorealistic painting is not real art! Doh!
But yes, being an artist is hardly lucrative, I've also come to realize that through my post-high school years. Hence, why I never even bothered to go to art school, and glad I never did! I wouldn't recommend it as a career to anyone, because a lot of the time, you'll just end up doing shit you weren't hoping to be doing anyway. As far as all the stories I've heard, anyway. I do hope you feel better about your art though...
Good example with Picasso too. To be honest, I never liked any of his art. I think its overrated and I'd say its value is more historical than artistic - since tons of artists do similar these days and many don't go for much